If I'm Not the One
by xThe-Doctors-Girlx
Summary: Donna is pregnant and she has something important to tell the Doctor.  What is it?  How will he react?  What will happen? Spoiler: it's not the Doctor's.  - Total crack-fic for the lulz.
1. How Could You?

Total crack-fic written with my friend. Lulz ahead (hopefully). It was lulz to us. Expect cameos from totally unexpected characters. Expect OoC for the lulz.

* * *

**If I'm Not The One**

**

* * *

**chapter 1: How Could You?

* * *

Donna came into the TARDIS kitchen chewing her lower lip. She sat slowly in one of the chairs, looking up at the Doctor with worried blue eyes. "Doctor... There's something I need to tell you."

The Doctor sat down across from her, concern in his deep chocolate eyes. "What is it, Donna? Is everything okay? Are you okay? Is the baby okay?" he asked in quick succession.

She smoothed out a wrinkle in her shirt over her rounded belly. "Yes, everything's fine, the baby's fine." She paused again, looking down at her lap and not at the Doctor. "It's something else I have to tell you."

He reached across the table, laying a gentle hand over hers. "What is it, Donna?"

She looked up at him, seeing the concern and love for her in his eyes, and she almost didn't tell him. It would hurt him too much. But she had to tell him.

She took a deep breath, and said, "The baby..." She trailed off, biting her lip.

He just looked back at her with those beautiful brown eyes, full of so much love, and she hoped he could forgive her.

She took another breath and spluttered, "The baby's not yours."

The Doctor blinked at her for a moment, not comprehending. Then his mouth fell open, opening and closing while he tried to find his voice. "Wh-What? Baby's not... What?"

Donna bit her lip again, looking apologetically at the Doctor, putting her other hand on top of his to make a hand sandwich. "I'm sorry, Doctor. I... I didn't want to hurt you."

He yanked his hand back from hers, anger burning in his eyes like fire as he looked across at the woman he loved who had betrayed him. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Well... It just never seemed like a good time... I mean... You were always so excited about being a father. And I'm telling you now."

"Six months, in six months it _never_ seemed like a good time?" He threw his hands up in the air. But he did not wave them around like he just didn't care. Because the truth was, in fact, just the opposite. The truth was that he _did_ care. A lot. "What makes now any better a time than before? Than _all_ the other times you could have told me?"

"Well..." she began slowly; but she didn't finish because the Doctor cut her off.

"How could you do this to me Donna? How could you do this to me? To _us_?" he demanded, tears beginning to form in his eyes. "I thought we had something special! I thought..." He choked back a sob. "I thought you _loved_ me!"

"I do love you! I love you so much! And that's why I had to tell you, because I love you, and I couldn't keep lying to you!"

"You don't care about me at all!" The tears he had been fighting finally began to fall, dripping down his face as he tried to wipe them away. "You slept with another man and then lied to me!"

"I'm sorry, Doctor," she said, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I didn't think this would happen. I didn't know I would get pregnant. If I did, I never would have done it. But I did, and it happened, and now I have to live with the consequences, whatever they may be."

"Who was it? Was it Jack? It was Jack, I know it!" He wiped a hand across his face to dry his tears and then stood from the table, angry. A sudden realization struck him.

"Oh my God! That night we were in Cardiff, six months ago, and you went out to get pizza with Jack, and then you didn't come home until five in the morning, and when I asked you what you were doing you said you were getting your hair cut. But the hairdresser's isn't even open at five in the morning!" He looked aghast at his realization. "And your hair didn't even look any different!" He pointed accusingly at Donna. "You were having sex with Jack!"

Donna bit her lip. "You're right." She looked down at the table. "I was having sex with Jack. But for what it's worth, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, and I never should have hurt you like that. And I wish I could take it back, but I can't. Can you forgive me?" She looked up at him, the beginnings of tears in her eyes.

The Doctor looked at her, his jaw working in anger and rage. "I'm going to kill Jack Harkness!" He stormed out of the kitchen toward the console room.


	2. All That Matters is Us

LOL Ianto.

* * *

Chapter 2: All That Matters is Us

* * *

Striding into the console room, the Doctor seized his mobile and began dialling Torchwood. The phone rang three times before Ianto answered. "Torchwood."

"Yeah, I want to talk to your scumbag of a boss!"

The Doctor heard a bit of scuffling, as if the receiver was being covered. But due to his exceptional hearing, the Doctor heard everything anyway. "Jack! Angry man on the phone for you!"

"How angry?" the Doctor heard Jack call back. " 'You parked your SUV in my spot again' angry, or 'You slept with both my twin sisters and then my mother, and then my father' angry?"

"The second one."

There was more scuffling on the line and then Jack's voice. "Hello, Jack Harkness, and before you say anything, I swear I didn't know at the time that—"

"Jack!" the Doctor shouted.

"Doctor!" The Doctor could hear the grin in the other man's voice. "Good to hear from you! Having some trouble with those Cardassians again, you need me to come down and—"

"You son of a bitch, I'm going to kill you!"

"What? What have I done to you? ...Recently?"

"You got Donna pregnant!"

"I—WHAT?"

"You took Donna out for pizza and then you slept with her and now she's pregnant and she told me it was mine but it never was, it was _yours_ all along, and now I'm going to kill you!"

"Easy there, Champ. Yeah, I did sleep with Donna, but that was like, six months ago! It can't be mine. Thought you woulda learned by now how these things work."

"She's six months pregnant!"

"_WHAT_?"

"Yeah! So I think you'll find it _is_ yours, Jackass!"

"_Why didn't you tell me_? Why didn't _she_ tell me?"

"Because she was too busy pretending it was mine!"

At some point Donna had wandered in from the kitchen and was standing in the doorway, listening to the Doctor yell at Jack. He had his back to her. She blew out a deep sigh and studied the coral struts in the ceiling.

"Well she coulda told _me_ at least," Jack shouted at the Doctor. "She coulda called and said, 'Listen Jack, I'm having your baby but the Doctor thinks it's his, so don't tell him,' and I wouldn't-a told you!"

"You wouldn't have told me? You're an even bigger wanker than I thought you were!"

"Well if she said not to tell you I couldn't-a just _told_ you, could I? That woulda been betraying her confidence!"

"_OH_, and I suppose _not_ telling me wouldn't have been betraying _my_ confidence!"

The Doctor, in his rage, failed to hear the sound of a teleport behind him. Jack had appeared in the console room in front of Donna, who looked slightly surprised to say the least. As he saw her, Jack broke into a wide grin and wrapped his arms around her in a big but careful hug.

The Doctor went on shouting into the telephone. "I suppose our friendship means nothing to you, even after all I did for you! You're just a good-for-nothing—"

Jack released Donna from the hug, pulling back to look her in the eyes. "Donna, why didn't you tell me?" He still had a huge grin on his face. "I'm gonna be a father!" He leaned forward and kissed her deeply, placing one hand gently on her belly. She wrapped her arms around his neck, returning his kiss passionately. When they parted he tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, smiling and saying, "You are so beautiful, you know. I hope our baby gets your beautiful red hair and my dashing good looks."

She smiled and he leaned in to kiss her again.

It took the Doctor a minute to realize that the sound of Jack's voice was no longer coming from the mobile, it was coming from behind him. He had also been saying things that made no sense for the past few minutes.

The Doctor turned to find Jack snogging Donna in the doorway. "BLOODY HELL!" he shouted indignantly, stomping over to the pair. "Could you two _kindly_ give it a rest for _one_ bloody minute?"

Jack flapped a dismissive hand in the Doctor's direction without breaking the kiss.

The Doctor lost it. He couldn't stand by and watch that pompous ass kiss the woman he loved, the father of her baby or no. He grabbed Jack by the scruff of his collar and hauled him away from Donna, punching him squarely in the face as Jack turned.

Jack staggered from the force of the blow as Donna gasped, shouting, "Doctor!"

The ex- time agent swung back at the Doctor but missed as the Doctor ducked, springing forward to close his hands around Jack's throat.

By this point Donna was screaming at the Doctor—"What are you doing to him?—and begging him to stop, to release Jack.

The Doctor did not relent and squeezed Jack's throat with all the pent-up rage he could muster, which afforded him quite a substantial grip. Jack did nothing in retaliation but make some gurgling noises.

After another minute at the hands of the Time Lord he collapsed on the metal grating of the TARDIS, unmoving.

Donna sprang forward as fast as her condition allowed, kneeling on the floor beside the prone form of the captain. He was all lying there with his tongue hanging out.

She lifted his head carefully into her lap, ruffling his hair with a gentle hand.

"Oh my God! Doctor... Doctor, you've killed him!" Donna was horrified. She looked up at the man she had once loved with tears forming in her eyes.

The Doctor sniffed and rubbed his sleeve carelessly across his nose. "He's fine. He'll be fine."

"He's not fine! He's dead!" Her tears began to flow.

"Trust me, he's fine."

As if on cue Jack inhaled sharply, making Donna jump. She looked down at him in shock. "Jack?"

"Hey, Babe. Miss me?" He grinned up at her somewhat weakly.

She smiled and swiped at her tears, but failed to dry them. Jack reached up and softly wiped away the remaining moisture from her cheeks.

"Don't make me kill you again," the Doctor growled at Jack.

Jack grinned obnoxiously up at the Time Lord, who made a funny sound in the back of his throat and made a mock lunge at him. Jack held up his palms. "Easy, Tiger."

"What happened, Jack?" Donna asked him, running her fingers through his hair. "I thought you were dead."

"It'll take more than a little strangling to kill Jack Harkness." He grinned a winning grin.

"But, how?"

"I'm immortal."

"...What?"

"Long story. Don't ask."

Donna tilted her head at him, and the Doctor cut in with, "As charming as this all is, it's making me want to vomit." He dropped into the faded yellow jump seat and crossed his arms sulkily.

"Donna," began Jack, looking up at the beautiful woman who leaned over him, "Why didn't you tell me?" He sat up carefully, laying both hands gently on her belly.

She covered his hands with hers. "I..."

"It's okay," he said, shaking his head. "It doesn't matter now. All that matters is us. You, and me, and our baby." He smiled at her, looking deep into her eyes. "Donna Noble, mother of my child, will you marry me?"

The Doctor made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a squawk and leapt up from the jump seat.

"Jack... I..." Donna bit her lip, looking down at her lap. "There's something I have to tell you."

"What is it, Kitten?" Jack gently lifted her chin to look into her deep blue eyes.

Donna looked back at him, tears coming to her eyes as she thought about how hurt he was going to be. She breathed deeply and told him, "It's not your baby, Jack."


	3. What I Always Wanted

Chapter 3: What I Always Wanted

* * *

Jack looked as though he'd been slapped. "What?"

The Doctor gasped loudly and surged forward several steps.

"I'm sorry." She tilted her head, looking at Jack apologetically.

"But..." He seemed at a loss for words. "You told me... Why..." His eyes began to water. "Why would you lie to me about something like this? Did our night of lovemaking mean nothing to you?"

"Of course it did, Jack. You know that night was one of the most magical nights of my life."

The Doctor made a strangled noise that might have been a sob.

"Then why?" Jack asked, his voice choked with emotion.

"I never said it was your baby. The Doctor told you it was." She gestured up at the Time Lord, who was doing a good impersonation of a fish. "I never told you it was yours."

The Doctor recovered enough to stammer, "But—But you told me..."

She sighed. "No, I didn't. _You_ assumed it was Jack's all on your own, and then stormed off to call him before I could say anything."

The Doctor bounded forward eagerly, falling to his knees beside her. "So it is mine, then?" the Doctor asked, hope shining in his eyes.

She shook her head sadly. "I'm sorry."

The Doctor looked crushed. "Well... Whose is it, then? If it's not mine, and it's not Jack's?"

Donna sighed. "This grating's hurting my knees," she said, looking down at the floor and shifting to push herself up. The Doctor leapt up and beat her to it, holding out his hands and pulling her carefully to her feet.

"Thanks," she said, moving across to the jump seat and sinking gratefully into it. The Doctor followed her over, sitting down beside her. Jack sat on her other side.

After a moment of silence the Doctor prompted, "So..."

Donna looked up at him with slightly widened eyes. " 'So', what?"

"So, who's the father, then?" The Doctor asked, peering at her intently.

She turned to find Jack peering back at her just as intently. Sighing, she looked down, rubbing a hand over her belly.

"It's not..." The Doctor trailed off, looking almost horrified at the idea. "It's not... the Master, is it?"

Donna looked back up at him, opening her mouth to reply, but he cut her off with:

"Oh God, it's the Master! I knew it!" He leapt up, running his hands frantically through his hair. "I knew it! I thought it was strange that he called to talk to you last week!"

"He's obsessed with me, I told him to sod off! He's always calling here, begging me to come see his new spaceship or something. I've told him that I'm not interested, but he keeps calling!"

Jack bounded up and moved across to the other side of the TARDIS, programming something into his wrist strap. "I'll get him here, he'll leave you alone by the time I'm through with him!"

Donna heaved herself off the seat after him. "No, don't get him here, don't—"

But it was too late, as the Master had just materialized in the console room, holding a spatula. He was wearing a very confused expression and an apron that said 'Kiss the Chef'. He blinked hard, looking around his surroundings and trying to adjust to the fact that he was now aboard the TARDIS despite having been making eggs four seconds ago.

"Hey!" Jack shouted at him. "You've been harassing Donna! Leave her alone, Pal!"

The Master's head snapped round at the sound of his voice. "What? Donna... What?"

Jack strode up to him and poked him forcefully in the chest. "_You've_ been calling and harassing Donna. You're going to stop. Or else _I'm_ going to put my foot so far up your ass that—"

"Donna!" the Master exclaimed as he caught sight of her standing by the console, his face lighting up. He rushed forward a step but stopped abruptly in surprise, his mouth falling open. "Donna... You're pregnant!"

She made a face at him. "Thanks for that. I hadn't noticed."

His face shone with joy as he rushed forward the rest of the way to her. "This is wonderful!"

"Excuse me?"

"I'm going to be a father!" he exclaimed with a wide grin. He moved to hug her and she didn't quite step back fast enough to avoid it.

"Oi, that's enough!" she said irritably, trying to push him off her.

Jack stepped forward and grabbed the Master by the arms, pulling him away from her. "The lady said that's enough!"

She straightened her shirt with a huff.

The Master seemed oblivious to Donna's irritation. "Donna, this is so wonderful! This is just what I always wanted!"

She sighed, putting a hand to her face. "Why does everyone keep doing this? Look," she said clearly, "it's not your baby."

The Master's face fell.

The Doctor and Jack both grinned hugely.

"But... But that beautiful night we spent together! The most wonderful night of my life! Six months, eight days, and fourteen hours ago!" He looked down at her stomach. "And you're..."

"Six months. Give or take. Yeah."

"...Are you sure it's not—"

"It's not."

"That night meant everything to me! Are you telling me it meant nothing to you? Nothing at all?"

"That's exactly what I'm telling you."

"But I'll never love anyone else the way I love you! What I feel for you is like nothing I've ever felt before! You make me whole, Donna! You fill that little hole in my heart that has always been there, and now that I've found you I'm never letting you go again!"

"I don't know what to tell you. I don't love you. You're all right in bed, yeah. It's still not your baby."

"Then... Then you made love to someone else?"

"Yeah. I wouldn't exactly call it 'making love' though."

The Doctor cut in. "What about all those times _we_ made love?"

Donna looked over at him. "Yeah, all right, we made love plenty of times. I'm just saying, it's not always 'making love'. Sometimes it's just 'fucking'."

"Amen," Jack added.

"Whose is it? Is it _his_? Did you make fucking with him?" the Master gestured wildly at Jack.

"No, it's not his."

"Is it _the Doctor's_?" the Master cried, nearing tears as he imagined his wonderful Donna, the only woman he had ever truly loved, being pregnant with his arch-nemesis's child.

"It's not his either. Look, I don't have to have this conversation with you. It's not your baby, that's where your involvement ends, and the rest of this is none of your business."

"But... But I love you! I love you more than any of these clowns ever will!"

"I don't care!"

"Donna," the Master pleaded, "I don't care that it's not mine. That doesn't matter to me. I love you so much. You're all that matters to me in the world. I would do anything for you, Donna. Anything. I could be a good father to your baby, and I could give you everything you've ever wanted. Please, say you'll give me a chance to be the man I know I can be. This is what I want for us, truly, deep in my hearts."

"Are you serious?" she asked, incredulous at his determination.

"I have never been more serious about anything in my life." He got down on one knee and took her hand. "Donna Noble, will you marry me?"


	4. What Do I Have to Do?

Chapter 4: What Do I Have to Do?

* * *

She yanked her hand out of his grasp. "I don't want to marry you! I don't want to be anywhere near you!"

"Donna, please, please don't do this to me, I can't live without you!" He clutched at her hand, pressing his cheek against her palm.

"The father's coming to pick me up in like twenty minutes, and I'm pretty sure you don't want to be holding my hand when he gets here!"

Jack stepped in. "All right, that's enough of this," he said, hauling the Master to his feet and dragging him a few steps away. "I'm sending you back, and in a few months' time I better not hear that you been calling Donna again, you got it?" He let go of the Master and hit a switch on his wrist strap.

"No!" the Master shouted, desperately reaching back for her. "Donna, no, I need you, you're my rock, you're my—"

But then he was gone.

Donna blew out a sigh, pressing a palm to her forehead and then brushing hair out of her eyes. "I told you not to bring him here."

Jack looked down at the floor. "Sorry. I was only tryin' to help."

"I know." She sighed again, suddenly realizing how tired she was. "I need to sit down." The Doctor leapt to her side and grasped her elbow gently, leading her over to the jump seat.

"I know where it is," she shouted at him, sitting. Leaning back and smoothing her hands over her belly, she looked up at his slightly hurt expression. "What's your problem?"

He sniffed slightly, his eyes looking a bit watery. "No need to get all shouty." He sat down, but not too close to her.

Jack cleared his throat. "So uh, some of us still want to know who the father is."

Donna groaned.

"Well maybe if you hadn't told both of us it was ours, we wouldn't be so interested."

"I didn't tell you it was yours! The Doctor told you that!"

"Well I thought it was," the Doctor said, still looking hurt.

"Well it's not!"

"Well I _know_ that now, don't I?" he retorted loudly.

"Yeah!"

"Nothing I do is ever right, is it? What do I have to do, Donna?" he yelled back, tears starting to flow from his eyes.

"Oh, don't give me those waterworks again, you're not making me feel sorry for you!" she yelled.

He cried harder.

"Put a cork in it, you big baby."

He sniffed hard and wiped his eyes on his sleeve. "I can't help it if I care about you."

"Just quit it."

"I love you, Donna!" he cried.

"Stop it."

"No!" He sniffed loudly. "I love you, and you're mean to me all the time! I don't know what I did to deserve it!"

"Stuff like this!" she yelled back. "Crying all the time, what kind of man are you?"

"I cry because of you!" Tears were streaming down his face.

"Maybe you should grow up!"

"Maybe you should grow a heart!"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me," he said with a sniffle.

She slapped him across the face.

He sat there looking stunned and hurt, touching his cheek where she had hit him. His tears were still falling but he was quiet now.

Jack said, "Doctor, she's right, you're being a baby. Now," he continued, turning his gaze to Donna, "I believe you were just about to tell us who the father is."

She crossed her arms stubbornly. "I don't have to tell you, it's really none of your business."

"Well then I'm just going have to guess until I get it right, aren't I?"

She just pursed her lips at him.

"So it's not me, the Doctor, or the Master..." He ticked off on his fingers. That leaves... the rest of the male population of the universe. And some of the females."

"Now, to be fair," the Doctor jumped in, "not all species are compatible. A lot of species could engage in sexual intercourse with a human, sure, though it might not always be entirely pleasurable for either party... And I guess that sort of defeats the purpose, really... But not many species are similar enough in genetic makeup to actually impregnate a human. Only a few I can think of, actually."

Donna was not impressed with his knowledge of alien-human physiological compatibility. "Are you two implying that I would shag an alien?" She fixed them both in turn with a very frosty glare.

"You shagged me."

"Well you look human. That doesn't count."

"Excuse me? I am _not_ the same as a human."

"What, you sayin' there's something _wrong_ with being a human?"

" Erm... 'Course not, no..." He didn't dare say anything different under the intensity of the look she was giving him. ...And he thought he saw her slapping hand twitch slightly. "I'm just saying... Um... That I'm _not_ human," he finished lamely. "But I wish I were, because it's lovely."

"Now you're just lying," she said, only a bit less angry.

The Doctor squeaked very slightly but was spared having to reply because Jack chose that moment to cut back in.

"So who is it, then, if it's not anyone who isn't human or doesn't at least _look_ human—and I gotta say, you're missing out if you're gonna be that picky..."

She narrowed her eyes at him and he continued quickly.

"—but hey, that's your loss, and I respect that... But that still leaves the rest of the male population of Earth, from any time between the dawn of man and the extinction of the species, which is... An _awful_ lot of people."

"A very large number," agreed the Doctor helpfully.

"We're gonna be here a long time, you sure you don't wanna just tell me and save me the trouble?"

She folded her arms again.

"All right, well, let's get started then... I'll start with what I know... Was it Ianto?"

"Very good, you got me first try."

He looked shocked. "Really?"

"No, you prawn!" she shouted at him.

"Owen?"

"No!"

"It wasn't John Hart was it? I know you had your eye on him when he came to help me take care of a little vampire problem we had a while back..." He looked to the Doctor. "Turned out they weren't even vampires at all, they were—"

"Yeah, he's a great shag, I'll give him that, but no, it wasn't him."

"He is great, isn't he?" Jack agreed with a grin. "Did he do that thing with the handcuffs and the Venusian Pleasure Master 5000?"

"No, I don't think he did that."

"You'd remember if he had, trust me. What about the one where—"

The Doctor shouted, "All right, that's enough, I don't want to hear about what John Hart did to Donna while she was supposed to be getting a new cheese grater." He looked at her pointedly.

She shrugged sheepishly.

"Was it... that pirate who flew that nice transport called 'the Millennium Falcon'... Han Solo, I think his name was?"

"No, it was not. And I don't even know why you're asking about him, because that was like five months ago that we met him. You're off by about a month."

"What about that bloke from the Democratic Order of Planets, Captain Brannigan?"

"Zapp? No. And he's definitely not as good as he thinks he is."

"You didn't."

"I did."

"Really? Zapp _Brannigan_? He seemed so..." The Doctor made a face. "And while I was repairing their food replicator in the galley he came in shouting, 'I made it with a woman! Inform the men!' "

She shrugged. "I thought he might be worth a go. And that was almost three months ago. You're not even trying anymore."

"Was it?" He squinted.

"Yeah."

"Oh."

"Some kinda Time Lord you are."

The Doctor frowned. "Was he not even bothered that you're pregnant? You were showing."

"Why?" She glared at him. "Are you saying I'm not attractive?"

"Of course not. I'm just saying, what kind of scumbag sleeps with the pregnant wife of one of his guests? What if he hurt you?"

"I'm not your wife, thank you."

"_He_ didn't know that."

She shrugged. "Didn't seem to bother him, really."

The Doctor looked angry.

"I'm not even sure if he knew I was pregnant, I didn't get the impression he's seen a lot of women naked."

"I've had him," Jack added conversationally. "And Donna's right, he's not as good as he thinks."


	5. How Can You Ask Me That?

LOL Star Trek.

* * *

Chapter 5: How Can You Ask Me That?

* * *

The Doctor was struck with another idea. "Was it... Donna, do you remember six months ago when we were visiting my old friend Jim aboard his starship 'Enterprise'?"

"Mhm, yeah, I think so," Donna nodded. "Why?"

"...Because we were there six months ago, and you're six months pregnant with a baby that's not mine, Jack's, the Master's, or John Hart's?"

"Where are you going with this?"

"Remember when I was checking out their warp core and you went to ask Jim something and you were gone for three and a half hours?"

"Mhm, yeah, I remember."

"How do I put this... Were you having sex with Jim?"

"Yes."

"You were?"

"Yeah."

"...And you didn't bother to tell me?"

"Why would I tell you?"

"Because—Because it's important!"

"I hardly think it's relevant."

"It's incredibly relevant!"

She shrugged.

The Doctor looked at Jack. "Jack, get me Captain Kirk."

Jack nodded. "Coming up, Doctor." He began pushing buttons on his wrist strap.

Donna insisted, "You really don't have to—"

Kirk and Spock materialized next to the console, lips locked in a passionate kiss.

Jack cleared his throat loudly and the pair looked round in confusion.

"Hi," Jack said with a wave.

The new arrivals blinked at him. Kirk turned to look around the room, stopping as he spotted the Doctor and Donna sitting on the jump seat.

"Jim, you bastard!" The Doctor sprang from his seat and strode toward Kirk.

Kirk looked at him in surprise. "Doctor! What... can I do... for you?"

"You slept with my Donna six months ago when we came to visit and you got her pregnant!" The Doctor threw his hand wildly in Donna's direction.

Kirk looked over.

Donna raised a hand in greeting. "I'm _not_ his Donna," she added with a quick glare at the Doctor. "I'm _my_ Donna."

"Donna..." Kirk breathed in surprise. "I... You... You're..."

"Pregnant, I know, I'm aware, thank you very much."

"But... I didn't..."

She rolled her eyes while she waited for him to snap out of it.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

She glared at him angrily. "How can you ask me that? Were we together? Were we going to be?" She shook her head. "You had your world, and I had mine."

"We could have shared it, together!"

"We only knew each other for three hours!"

"Three and a _half_, Donna. Three and _half_."

"Three and a _half_, then, yeah."

"The best three and a half hours of my life."

Spock frowned.

Kirk continued, seeming to speak more to himself than to anyone else. "My life that could have been, and wasn't."

"Let it go, Jim," Donna said sadly. "We can never have that life. I'm..." She gestured at herself. "And you're..." She gestured vaguely at Kirk. She looked at Spock and raised an eyebrow.

"We can still have all that, Donna! We can have all that! We can get a three-way marriage, you, me, and Spock!"

Donna glanced up at Spock, who was standing behind Kirk desperately mouthing, "No," and waving his arms.

"We can't, Jim. I'm sorry."

"Why, Donna? Why not?"

"Dammit, Jim!" Donna said with a sigh, "It's not your baby!"

Kirk began to weep uncontrollably. Spock put his arms around the captain, murmuring, "There, there, Jim, it'll be all right," and giving Donna the thumbs-up.

Donna rolled her eyes at the pathetic display before her.

Kirk sank to the floor, overcome with emotion. He crawled his way over to the jump seat where she was sitting. Clinging to Donna's leg, he cried and cried.

Donna attempted to dislodge him but gave up after he only tightened his grip. She sat there resolutely, rubbing her belly where the baby was kicking her, and doing nothing about the other, bigger baby who was wrapped around her leg, sobbing.

Spock stood by Kirk, watching him pour tears all over the leg of Donna's trousers. He looked down at her, saying conversationally, "You have conceived offspring. I believe that the human custom in this circumstance insists that I extend my congratulations."

"Yeah, I dunno if that's how I feel about it."

"Well then, my condolences."

"That's probably closer."

The sound of Kirk's loud sobbing filled the TARDIS for a long moment before Spock spoke again. "I apologize on behalf of my captain for his offensive display of emotion."

She shrugged a shoulder. "Not your fault, is it?"

"No. But it is illogical, and somewhat puzzling to me. I do not understand why he should react in this way to the information that he does not share a biological link to a child conceived by a woman who is not his wife, and with whom he was not previously closely acquainted."

Donna shrugged again. "You got me there, Mate. It seems to be going around."

Spock looked around the room somewhat nervously. "I fail to understand why you refer to me as your chosen life partner. We are not bound by marriage in any ceremony that I am familiar with, and we have never been sexually intimate."

She blinked up at him. "What? ...Oh! 'Mate?' No, no, that's just... That's an Earth saying. Blimey, you aliens take everything literally."

"I am a Vulcan, yes. We are a very logical people."

"So you're from another planet, yeah?"

"I am from the planet Vulcan, yes."

"Why do you speak with an American accent, then?"

"I speak the way that all Vulcans speak."

"All Vulcans are American?"

"I am not American. I am Vulcan."

"...Just... Just forget it."

The Doctor and Jack returned from the kitchen with hot mugs of coffee.

"We're back!" the Doctor announced happily, walking up to the jump seat, seemingly oblivious to Kirk who was still curled up on the floor sobbing against Donna's leg.

Donna glanced around the room. "I hadn't noticed you'd gone, to be honest."

The Doctor's face fell. He looked slightly hurt. "Oh." But he brightened quickly as he looked down and realized he was holding two coffee mugs. "I brought you coffee," he beamed at Donna, holding one of the mugs out toward her. "Yours is decaf, I made it specially." He looked very pleased with himself.

She looked at the mug and back up at him, unimpressed. "What do you want, a medal?"

His cheery mood was gone again very quickly. He looked down at the ground and retracted his arm, sitting down beside her. He set the coffees on a flat section of the TARDIS' console. "I just thought... you might want some, that's all."

"I hate decaf," she muttered under her breath.

"You have to drink decaf because caffeine—"

"I know that!" she snapped at him. "Doesn't mean I have to like it, though, does it?"

"I'm sorry, Donna. I try too hard to take care of you. Because I care about you." He looked at his shoes. "I'll try harder to stop if you don't want me to."

Her lower lip quivered and after a few seconds she dissolved into tears.

He sat there looking at her for a moment, wide-eyed and wondering what to do.

"I just... I'm mean to you!" she choked out. "And you're nice to m—me! And you ca—care about me! And you made—made me special coff—ee!" This just made her cry harder.

He slid closer and wrapped his arms around her.

She buried her face in his chest, getting tears all over the front of his shirt.

The Doctor stroked her hair and told her not to worry.

Spock stood with his arms folded behind his back, watching both his captain and the female he was clinging to engage in this highly illogical display of sadness. What the cause of this sadness might be, though, he could not determine. It was all very confusing.

Jack just rolled his eyes and said to Spock, "Pregnant women." Then he looked down at Kirk and said, "He has no excuse. I have no idea what his problem is."

"I, too, am at a loss to explain his actions."

"One of these coffees is for you," Jack said, extending the mug and raising an eyebrow suggestively.

Spock quirked an eyebrow in response. He reached out and took the mug.

"So, uh," Jack began nonchalantly, "how'd ya like to ditch the crybaby, there—" He gestured at Kirk. "—and I can show ya the rest of the ship?"

Spock looked down at Kirk and considered. "I am interested to see the workings of the ship. Is this vessel powered by dilithium crystals?"

"Let's go find out. Come on, I'll show ya how powerful my warp drive is."

Spock followed Jack off down the corridor.


	6. Anything in the World

This chapter is super romantic. Also, Spock.

* * *

Chapter 6: Anything in the World

* * *

The Doctor was beginning to feel useless that he couldn't even make the woman he loved more than life itself feel better. She was still crying on his chest, and each tear felt like it was leaking through and piercing into his heart. He wanted more than anything for her to be happy, for nothing to ever hurt her. Now he had made her cry, and he wasn't even sure what he had done wrong. He wanted to go back to before any of this had happened, back when they were happy. Back when she still loved him. The Doctor felt his own tears slipping to fall into her hair as he held her tighter to him.

"Oh, Donna," he murmured, "please don't cry." He stroked her back gently. "Please."

Her sobbing was growing quieter as the minutes went by. Eventually she started sniffling and she looked up at him with red-rimmed eyes. "You're crying too," she said, seeing his tears. "Why?" She felt bad that she had hurt him.

He looked deep into her ice blue eyes, eyes that he knew so well and loved so much. "Because it hurts me to see you crying. It kills me to see you unhappy, it always has."

"I'm sorry I'm such a pain," she said, sniffing.

The Doctor shook his head. "Donna, I would do anything for you. Anything in the world. Because you _mean_ the world to me."

She smiled a bit, wiping her eyes.

He reached into his pocket, pulling out a handkerchief and handing it to her.

"Thanks," she said, drying her eyes and leaning her head against his chest again.

"You're welcome, Donna." He laid his chin on top of her hair. "You're welcome."

It was becoming quieter in the room now that Kirk was almost sobbed out. He was reluctant to let go of her leg even though it was clear that he was getting nowhere.

"I wish I could stay here forever," she said to the Doctor with a sigh. "Here in your arms, in this moment. You make me feel so safe."

"You could stay forever. You can. Stay here, with me, and I'll make sure nothing and no one ever hurts you. I... I can't lose you," he said softly. "I love you so much that it hurts me. I can't imagine a life without you by my side. And it might kill me if I ever wasn't there to see your beautiful face when I wake up in the morning, to hear you laugh, to see you hold our child in your arms."

"Doctor," she sighed sadly, "but it's not your baby."

"It is, though. Because I love you. And love is the deepest bond of all." His sincere gaze looked deep into her eyes. "Love is what makes a family, not DNA. Love is all that matters. And this life inside you..." He placed his hand on her belly, smiling as he felt the baby within kick at his gentle touch. "It's the start of a new life for both of us. You, and me. Together." He looked at her with tenderness. "You've given me so much, Donna. You've given me hope that there is goodness in this universe, that there is beauty. That there is love. And now you've given me a child, a chance at a family, a chance to be happy again, after everything that I've lost." He smiled down at her with tears in his eyes. "And how could I not be happy? How could I not love you?"

His statement touched her deep in her heart. Her eyes started to water again at the beauty of his words, the startling sincerity she saw shining in his eyes. He deeply believed every word that he had said to her.

"Doctor, I..."

They both turned at the sound of voices coming from the hallway.

Spock walked back into the room, followed by Jack.

"Captain, I believe you are misinformed as to the meaning of the term 'warp drive'. A warp drive is the engine that powers a starship. It is not located in personal sleeping quarters, and there is no need to remove one's clothing in order to access the drive."

"I meant my _other_ warp drive. My thrusters. If you know what I mean."

"I do not understand."

"Sex, I mean sex!"

"Sexual intercourse has little to do with the operation of a starship."

"Oh, forget it!" Jack said in frustration, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms.

There suddenly came a knock at the door.

The Doctor looked round in confusion. "We're in the middle of space. Who could that possibly be?"

Jack crossed to the door. He opened it and the knocker immediately swept inside.

It was Superman.

* * *

A/N: WHOA. I did not see that coming.


	7. Holding Out for A Hero

How awesome is this chapter title? You know it is.

* * *

Chapter 7: Holding Out for A Hero

* * *

Superman strode into the TARDIS.

"Hey Baby, sorry I'm late," he said, looking around for Donna. "I got caught in traffic."

The Doctor looked at him sceptically. "You got caught in traffic flying through space?"

It took Superman a second to see that something fishy was going on. "...Donna, Babe, what the hell's going on here?" He looked at the Doctor, who had his arms wrapped around Donna, and down at Kirk, who was holding onto her leg.

Donna pushed back from the Doctor's arms, swiping at her eyes. "It's nothing, Superman, I was just..."

He looked at her closer. "Have you been crying? Did one of these assholes make you cry?" He was getting ready to lay beatdowns all around. He grabbed Jack by the front of his shirt, pulling him closer and glaring at him in a threatening manner.

"No!" Jack held up his hands defensively. "No! She just started crying all by herself! I swear!"

Superman pushed Jack away and stormed over to the Doctor, seizing him by his tie and pulling him to his feet. "What about you, Doctor? Was it _you_ who made my beautiful Donna cry?"

"I... No! ...Well, yes! But not—not on purpose!" The Doctor cringed in anticipation of the punch he was going to get.

Donna leaned forward, trying to tug Superman away from the Doctor. "He didn't do anything wrong, he was just trying to help. It was stupid, it was nothing."

Superman narrowed his eyes at the Doctor. "I'll kill him if he did anything to hurt you."

"He didn't, he never would. If anything, he was being too _nice_ to me, and that's what set me off."

"What? Why?"

She glared at him. "I'm pregnant. I'm allowed to have mood swings."

Superman glared at the Doctor but reluctantly let go of him. The Doctor sank back down into the jump seat, loosening his tie and looking glad to be away from the heavily muscled man in front of him. "What are you doing here, Superman? Did you come for a visit?"

"I came to pick Donna up. We're going to live on New Krypton."

"...Please, _please_ don't tell me you're talking about that barren _rock_ with a little dilapidated house built on it."

"That house is a masterpiece! I built it myself!"

"I can tell! It looks like it's about to fall over!"

Donna protested, "I think it's beautiful!"

Superman took her hand. "Of course it is. It's beautiful because it represents you."

Donna smiled. "Oh Superman!"

The Doctor felt tears rising as he saw Donna giving this other man the smile she used to save for him, but he tried not to show them. He looked at Superman. "I thought we were pals! We had lunch last month! Why didn't you tell me, Superman? Why didn't you tell me you were the father of Donna's baby, that you were—" He choked slightly on the words. "—in love with her?"

"Sorry, Doctor. I was waiting for her to tell you. I thought it would be better if you heard it from her."

"She only told me an hour ago! And now you're here, trying to take her away from me!" The Doctor got a determined look in his eye. "Well it's not gonna happen, Superman! Not gonna happen!"

"I think Donna can make up her own mind, don't you?"

The Doctor turned, looking at Donna pleadingly. "Donna... Please... Stay with me." He grasped her hand, rubbing his thumb over her skin. "I love you more than he ever could. More than he does now, and more than he ever will. Donna..." He placed her hand over his right heart. "Having two hearts means I have twice as much love to give you."

She looked at him with sadness in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Doctor. I'm going with Superman to have the kind of life you could never give me; a life with a house and a yard and a picket fence."

"I could give you that! You never said that was what you wanted! I could—I could..."

"You couldn't, Doctor." She smiled at him sadly. "You're in love with your freedom. You love this life too much to ever be tied down to one place." Looking deep into his eyes, she said, "Search your feelings. You know it to be true."

The Doctor felt tears beginning to form in his eyes. He knew she was right. "I..."

She shook her head. "I'm making it easy for you, Doctor. You don't have to make a choice. Because I've already made it." She leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek, then stood up slowly. "Goodbye, Doctor."

Stepping carefully over Kirk, who was still sitting on the floor, she moved to stand by Superman.

Jack finally voiced his incredulity. "Superman, Donna? _Really_?"

She crossed her arms. "Yeah. You got a problem with that?"

Jack shook his head. "There's no way he coulda got you pregnant. Because there's no way you coulda slept with him." He turned to look at the Doctor. "He's from Krypton. He's way too strong. I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back."

"Well, I think you might have to check your facts. Because I can and did sleep with him. More than once. And it was..." She shook her head, looking for the right word. "Incredible."

Jack looked a bit surprised. "Yeah? I might have to have a go, then."

Superman shook his head. "Don't think so. I'm a one-woman man, now." He slid his arm around Donna's waist and pulled her closer.

Jack looked disappointed.

"Well, we're off, then," Superman said, moving toward the door with Donna.

The Doctor eyed him in suspicion. "How did you get here? Do you have a ship?"

Superman laughed at him. "Ship? I laugh in the face of ships. I can fly, and breathe in space."

The Doctor's jaw dropped. "Donna can't!"

"Doctor, do you _really_ think I'm going to fall for your ploy to keep me and Donna here forever? We're going now."

The Doctor threw himself in front of the doors. "I'll take you there myself. I just, you know, don't want Donna _dying_ because her boyfriend is a complete idiot."

"You worry too much. You should loosen up, Doctor. Learn to relax a little."

"I'll relax after I know Donna's not going to die a horrible death."

"She'll be fine!"

"She won't! Apparently you don't know much about humans!"

"I know enough about humans to drive them wild with pleasure." He winked suggestively at Donna.

Donna giggled.

Jack let out a little whine as he imagined what he was missing out on.

"Superman, please," the Doctor begged. "At least let me drop you off on New Krypton. Seriously."

"All right then, if it means that much to you."

"It does."

Superman looked at Donna. "Your ex-boyfriend is way too clingy, Donna."

"Tell me about it. He doesn't know when to let go."


	8. Special Delivery of Love

**A/N: Final chapter.** I'm pretty sure no one saw this coming, but maybe you're psychic. And if you have no idea who the Postman is, it's a pretty good movie. The beginning could do with a bit of a trim down, but that's neither here nor there. So hopefully you enjoyed the lulz, this same friend and I are already 23 pages into a brand new story just as stupid as this one. (For length reference, this story was about 19, so uh... the new one's going to be pretty f-ing long. I'm thinking at least 30.) So if you liked this story, stick around for the next one; if not, feel free to tell me everything you hated about it, and don't bother reading the next one, because it's just as bad as this one.

Oh yeah, and if at any point during the story you thought you recognized a quote from a movie or something, you probably did. It amuses us greatly to throw in quotes from anything and everything. A couple chapters previously there's a few lines directly from Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan; last chapter I think had one from Star Wars, one from Mallrats... There might be some South Park in there somewhere; I can't recall anything specific, but we can't seem to do anything without South Park quotes, so it's a safe bet to assume it might be in there. ...OH GOD! I'd forgotten about that one! Alright, so there's one in the last chapter that goes: "Well it's not gonna happen, Superman! Not gonna happen!" Now, if you go on Youtube and search 'not gonna happen rick', you'll see some of the funniest acting you've ever seen in your life.

So sorry this note got so long, you may resume reading the story now, if you haven't already skipped past the author's notes. Live long and prosper.

* * *

Chapter 8: Special Delivery... of Love

* * *

Two Months Later

"Superman, honey, have you seen the..." Donna broke off as she heard the doorbell ring. "Who could that be?"

Walking to the door, she opened it to find the Postman standing there.

"What are you doing here?" Donna hissed at him. She stepped out onto the porch and pulled the screen door shut behind her.

"You've got mail." He handed her an envelope addressed to 'Donna, House, New Krypton'.

She ripped it open. It was a letter detailing the depths of his love for her.

"Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding me."

"It took me eight months to find you, Donna. I never stopped looking."

"How the hell did you even _get_ here?"

"I'm the Postman. I had a letter to deliver. Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor hail shall keep the Postman from his appointed rounds. Or keep me away from you, my love."

"You met me _once_! One bloody time!"

"And that night, that beautiful night, I lost my heart. To you, Donna."

Donna groaned in frustration. "What is _with_ all of you? Look," she said forcefully, jabbing him in the chest with a finger, "I don't love you, I'm happy here with Superman, we're having a baby. I'm not going anywhere with you, and I won't marry you. That about cover it?" She folded her arms across her chest.

"Oh, Donna." He shook his head, smiling mysteriously and laying his hands on her belly. "I think you'll find that I'm the father of this baby."

"Don't touch me!" She pushed his hands away from her. "Go away, leave me alone!" She pulled the screen door open to go back in the house, but he caught her arm.

"I love you, Donna! I spent eight long months trying to find you!"

"Get your hands off me!"

He let go of her arm and she yanked open the screen door, but his next words made her stop. He sounded so heartbroken.

"You are the most important woman in all of creation... to me."

She turned back to look at him, letting the door close. "Look, I'm sorry. But I love Superman. And I'm staying here with him."

The Postman scratched the back of his neck. "I didn't want to have to tell you this, but, uh... Me and Superman..."

She stared at him. "What?"

"...We've sort of been... intimate the last few months, you know?"

Her eyes widened in shock. "You... what?"

"I'm sorry we didn't tell you. We thought it might be too hard on you, with the baby and everything."

She leaned heavily against the wall, trying to take in the information she was being given.

"We can get three-way married, Donna. It'll be wonderful. There will be extra love because there is an extra person. Donna, you and Superman are the dearest, most precious people in the universe to me."

"Did you..." She swallowed, looking up at the Postman. "Does Superman know it's not his baby?"

"No, I didn't tell him. And if we get married, it won't matter. It'll be our baby, all of us together. Our love child, born of love."

She swallowed again, nodding. "I... Yeah."

The Postman offered his hand to her and she took it, letting him wrap his arm around her shoulder. "Come on," he said, "let's go inside and sit down."

They went back inside the house and lived happily ever after.

* * *

**The End**...?

Yes, it is the end.

Or is it?


End file.
